As a woman, I think about this movie more often than I should. It was brought to my attention in one of my literary theory classes by my classmates, who were doing a presentation. Every woman in the room said that they show this movie to their friends and peers when they start to overthink their decisions regarding love. The opening scene of the movie depicts the close friendship that women have with one another, but also the disillusionment that we seem to pass on from generation to generation.
We see a little girl being bullied by a boy on the playground, and when she runs up to tell her mom, the only thing she says is “He’s doing that because he likes you.” This sentence brought me back to when I was young, and all the older women in my life told me the exact same thing. As much as it bothered me at first, I started to believe it. My friends were told similar fairytales, and they just seemed to evolve as we got older.
“He’s not calling because he thinks you’re too good for him.”
“You’re just too mature for him right now.”
“He’s intimidated by your beauty.”
“He probably lost your number.”
And so on and so forth. No matter what age I am, I hear these types of comments meant to make us feel better, but instead, they’re leading us to think that this is how women are meant to be treated. We allow ourselves to be continuously strung along and treated like shit, because that’s how all the women around us were treated. He doesn’t call when he says he will, or he’s not listening to you on your date because he’s had a rough day. But maybe the truth of the matter is that he’s just not that into you.
I have found myself repeating these very phrases to my friends, and It wasn’t until watching this film that I realized the mediocrity of it all. We’ve accepted that maybe women are much more complex and compassionate creatures, but in doing so, we’ve given men countless excuses for treating us subhuman. Many women have found solace in confiding in their friends, but we might be doing more harm than good in the long run. Many of these women end up settling for someone who isn’t enough, but they accept it because of the countless excuses given by their friends. This continuous cycle of delusion has only gotten worse with the age of social media, and now we have new terms and new phrases to feed to each other.
“His phone probably died.”
“He didn’t mean to leave you on opened.”
“He liked your Instagram story, that means he likes you.”
As I get older, it gets harder and harder to bear hearing these phrases, even though I know my friends and family are only trying to make me feel better. I still have to correct myself, but I’ve learned to say;
“He just isn’t the one; you’ll find someone better.”
“I would just block him; he isn’t worth your time.”
We feel a type of anxious excitement that comes with waiting by the phone, and we always assume that it’s that “spark” that makes us so excited to hear back from them, but it’s really the fear that they won’t call back instead of the joy we feel while actually talking to them. This term the “spark” has also given men more outs for being horrible partners as well as people. If we had friends who didn’t give us the time of day and never called back when they said they would, we would consider them bad friends. Why should relationships be any different?
My most valued expression as of late is “An extraordinary man is just an average woman.” This perfectly sums up the experience that the women in my life have experienced. We meet women who would give the world to you if they could, while a man who’s supposed to be your partner for life can’t even call you back or look into your eyes when you’re speaking.
A very wise family member of mine always asks the same question when I tell her of my recent endeavors: “Is he fun or am I fun and he’s just there?” We see overly romanticized movies daily and assume that everything will just fall into place if you find a guy who checks all your boxes. But the truth is, when all is said and done, do you really enjoy being with him that much? Is it as fun as you imagined it to be?
Though I would love to continue being a hopeless romantic, I’ve learned that real life doesn’t work that way. You aren’t the exception, but neither is he.
Éire Literature 